i are a grownup

when i was a kid, i thought being a grownup would be a Good Thing, 'cause then i would be the subject instead of the object. but it turns out that being a grownup also means that there's nobody mediating between you and the rest of the world. my parents always stood between me and the world, and i perceived this as obstruction rather than protection. but ever since i've been out here, naked, i see that it was always both.

i feel sad and angry and lonely today. yesterday i picked a fight with one of the nicest people at work. today i had to go and talk with her and apologize, which in a way was really easy to do, because i am sincerely sorry. mortified, even. i knew yesterday that i was being a jerk, but i just couldn't seem to interrupt the escalation from peevish to complete asshole. so, today i made amends.

i'm grateful that i know how to make amends. i'm grateful that i can tell when amends are called for. i'm grateful for people in my life who have taught me those things.