i broke martha stewart's rule today

"Women in business don't cry, my dear."

i went in to tell my primary ally here that i am going to be leaving, and to my mortification, i started leaking tears.

i know i need to get out of here. i know i'm not doing a particularly good job. and... it's hard to give up the hopes and aspirations i had when i started this job. i can't help feeling like it's a failure on my part.

i wish i found it less draining to ward off the negativity that comes from my boss. i wish i had the kind of organizational skills that could be a beacon in this sea of bad leadership. i wish i wasn't taking a $23k cut in pay and benefits to accept this other job.

'least nobody's shootin' at me.

not with bullets, anyhow.

now see, there's your problem

at least texas *had* a plan. unfortunately more than twice as many people as were expected to heed evacuation orders actually hit the road. i guess the plan counted on that whole macho ornery texan "you're not the boss of me" thing so plainly evident in our nitwit of a president.

from nytimes.com:

A spokesman for the State Transportation Department, Mike Cox, offered a different explanation for the preparations. No one could have predicted, Mr. Cox said, how many Texans would be so seriously frightened by Hurricane Katrina. "Not one of our 15,000 employees is a psychologist," he said.

fighting silliness

with equal and opposite silliness.

it's an art.

oh bother

just had a call from the new job possibility. they want to offer me a job, BUT... can't actually afford to start me fulltime until April. from their perspective it would be ideal if i could work halftime for them (which would be 2 days a week) starting ASAP and continuing until April.

which of course would not work for my current job at all.

::sigh::

on monday there will be a phone call where, finally, money is discussed. so we'll see. but i'm feeling a bit glum at the moment.

true dat

i wonder if the person who wrote this caption did it on purpose.

i like to think so.

in case you're wondering

the job interview went very well. they seemed to like me, and i liked them, and i think i'd really like the job. now, if it just pays a wage i can live on....

mini rant

the worst thing so far about being in a cubicle is that i can't bitch without being overheard.

here's a thing that often frustrates me: i ask somebody who works for me a question, and i get only the most literal answer.

example:
Q: Do we have MS (mail stop) codes so that Sacramento people can send things through interoffice mail?
A: Not that I am aware of. If I hear anything new, will let you know.

okay, nobody is going to call us up and just happen to mention whether or not we have MS codes, so the chances of this person "hearing anything new" are zero. so fucking GO AND FIND OUT.

is it really that hard to take one tiny intuitive leap and think, huh, part of my job here is to facilitate work getting done, and probably this was not just an idle question on the part of my boss, and maybe i could get off my LAZY ASS and do some actual work.

but no. instead the burden is on me to specify exactly what action is needed, by when it should be taken, etc. it's not just one person, or one job classification, where this occurs -- it's endemic in the organization where i work. there are only a few people who show the faintest degree of initiative.

i hate this place. i want out.

the job thang

had the phone interview today. will be interviewed by the whole faculty (!) and do a teaching sample (!!) for them on sept. 15th. so... the wheels are turning, slowly.

meanwhile i'm settling into my cube. as cubes go, it doesn't suck, 'specially not with my, um, modifications. it turns out that the big boss traded offices with someone and so he's directly across from me. he hasn't been in yet. hope he's down wit' my aesthetics, yo.

welcome to pirate's corner

inflatable palm tree - check!
pink flamingos - check!
papa freud bobblehead doll - check!
squeaky laptop buddha - check!
picture of pirate jean - check!
giggling coworkers - check!

what, you expect me to *work*?
i thought being a good cubicle role model would be sufficient.
harumph.
er, i mean, yarrrrrrrrr.

the impossibl(-y accurate) dream

just woke up from a nap, and a dream.

i was hanging out with a bunch of kids of different ages, not really babysitting but just hanging out with them. then water started rising in front of our house, and my sailboat broke loose from its moorings. i was trying to deal with that and i was kinda worried about the kids; i knew they were too young to help and i didn't want them in the way to maybe get hurt, so i told them to go play out back. i had to go in the house to get something but came running back out when i heard the sound of chain being dragged over asphalt.

i ran back outside to find my sailboat disappeared and the anchor chain leading around back. i followed the chain and saw all the kids on the boat trying to sail it down a flooded street. there wasn't enough water for them to be in any danger, but the boat was getting banged against parked cars and so forth.

i shouted after them to stop, to get out of the boat, but they were too far ahead to hear my voice. i started running after them and then they caught sight of me. they could see i was furious, and they scattered, leaving no one aboard and the boat now getting even more beat up, with no one at the helm.

my boat, my boat, my beautiful boat.

if i could save her at all, it was going to be terribly hard, and there was no one to help me try.

my heart was breaking, for the boat, for my friendship with the kids, for my aloneness.

a man with a kind, calm manner (papa winnicott, izzat you?) came up to me, assessed the situation, and asked, "how do you feel?" i said, "i'm so mad!" he said, "tell me in different words." i took a deep breath. "i don't trust them anymore. they are no longer welcome in my house. our friendship is over."

* * * * *

the people i work with are children. they don't *mean* any harm, but... they've been careless with my most precious possession. they've betrayed and hurt and disappointed me, been oblivious to my well-being, and left me alone to do something nearly impossible.

how is it that i keep finding my family, everywhere i go?

does transcendence lie in staying, or moving on?